Gratitude

I almost bailed on my run this morning. It was raining and I was tired, but there was blue sky to the west and Rory (my dog) was undeterred. After a wet start, the rain subsided and I reached the summit of Mount Sentinel grateful. Grateful I didn’t bail, grateful my body can still get itself up that hill, and grateful I live in a place with unrivaled access.

I felt clumsy descending and a little bit afraid of falling. This often means a fall is imminent, but I worked through it and soon found some flow. Down the trail a bit—marching toward me—came a cadre of folks clad in yellow shirts, olive drab pants, and white hard hats. Wildland firefighters, most likely Hot Shots, getting in some training on a drizzly morning.

Seeing this crew also filled me with gratitude—gratitude for their very existence, their commitment to keeping wild spaces and communities safe, their willingness to work under the harshest of conditions with extreme risk. I felt grateful for the rainy June morning and what it might mean for the coming fire season, and I wondered how the Hot Shots felt about it.

Midlife is challenging. We arrive at a stage we knew would come, yet never expected. Just a few short years ago, life felt like a bit of a treadmill, albeit one with twists and turns. But the grade was steady and I was ascending within what I thought were pretty fixed guardrails. Then covid came and my marriage ended. That forced changes I didn’t think I was capable of, and on the other side of it all, I’m living a life I didn’t know existed.

And it took work to get here, not just a tincture of time. Meditation, journaling, a cycle of anti-anxiety meds, therapy, a complete reorientation of my relationship to work, and several other identity shifts. I became a single-parent, developed new skills, let go of old habits, and developed a new framework for life. Through it all, I somehow chose to build rather than destroy.

I glossed over a lot of detail here, but the thread tying together the rainy run and life-altering stuff is gratitude. When I feel gratitude I feel good. And I’m thankful that connection comes somewhat easily for me.

My last bit of gratitude today is for Mark Twain, who said, “It’s easier to stay out than get out.” And to myself, for my ability to trust that if I keep lacing up the shoes, especially when it’s raining, good things will likely happen.